A two-hour suspension...

I should have written this Friday night, just after it happened as it would have had more impact. Alas, I am writing it at 3:10 a.m. on Sunday...


  Friday.

It was the first day I had off from work in almost nine days, wherein nearly 100 hours were punched in to the time clock. Needless to say, I was running on autopilot - even amid the flu, which made me feel even more foggy and "out of it".

After catching a few moments of tormented sleep, I decided to text my former "pageant mom" to inquire about walking her two doggies. I used to walk them three times a week, on a regular basis this summer, but it had been a little while since my last canine outting. So, around three o'clock in the afternoon, I drove up to Cathy's house to be instanteously created by two excited four-legged balls of furry, fluffy adorableness. They could hardly sit still as I fastened their leash and headed out the gargage to embark on what would turn out to be a two-hour walk. Or, should I say, a two-hour "suspension" of sorts -

 The October air was brisk, and light, and the sun delicate and bright. It 'twas a  perfect day to walk two canine tender mercies, and - for the first time in months - allow myself to listen to music.

 Those who know me, likely know how much I love music. As a three-year-old all I wanted to do was dance to classical Ballet pieces. I was in a community children's choir from age seven to eleven. I began playing the flute at age nine. In middle school, I discovered Beethoven, Bach, Handel, Vivaldi, and began collecting every classical music CD I could purchase with my babysitting money. I performed with the Yokosuka [Japan] Little Theater Group in high school, and picked up the saxophone. Two years ago, my first choreography piece - based on "ah-has" gleaned from a song - was filmed. My last blog post (in February), before starting this new one, was simply a list of songs that personafied my feelings at that particular time. Yes, music is a passion of mine and lends itself to another great love of mine - dance.

Alas, I have not allowed myself to listen to music for months. Intially, its absence was caused by the fact my car stereo blew out and was rendered nonfunctional. And because I never invested in getting the stereo fixed... And because my CDs were still packed from my last move in May, music was not as accessible. (I never thought it possible to endure such a lack of music in my life.) There were a few times where I would go back to my last blog to play some songs listed there, but within minutes it became "too much". Too much emotion flooded over me. So, I quickly discontinued listening to them. My friend Beth asked if and when she would ever hear me play my flute, to which I responded with silence. Picking up my flute after having last heard it played on Christmas day 2010...was far beyond my capabilities. Again, too much emotion was associated with that. (There are only two people for whom I have played exclusive solos on my flute...) 

So, Friday, as I plugged my brand new pair of pink ear buds that connected to my brand new - and very first - pink ipod (which was purchased, on sale, as part of a breat cancer awareness endeavor), while walking the doggies in the pleasantly Fall afternoon, something happened. Little did I know what would happen during my re-introduction to the music-listening realm of life, but it was nothing short of enlightening.

Yes, the first four songs that played on shuffle mode made me cry. I was about to turn the ipod off, when something prompted me to continue listening to lyrics such as:

I don't want to spend my life wasted, jaded. To wake up one day and find, that I let all these years go by wasted.

and

If I could just hold on through the tears and the laughter, would it be beautiful, or just a beautiful disaster? (which, interestingly, was the topic of a psychology of music presentation I gave for a class in February, of which I dropped shortly thereafter).

and

What is it that we hope to find just past that other door? What is it that makes us throw away our contentment, and beg for something more? It's the trust and self-assurance, that lead to happiness which are the very things we kill, I guess.

"WHY", I thought, am I torturing myself by continuing to listen to these songs. Why didn't I download something fun and silly; nothing that would cause me cry - or...

To Feel.

Then, I realized why the prompting caused me to refrain from turning off the music.

Even though your world is torn and shaken. It's waiting for you to awaken, and someday you will. Learn to be still.

And, thus, I found myself waxing philosophical.

In a good way.

I kept walking, with the doggies happily keeping the pace (which is unusual for arthritis stricken Toby), listening to music. And even imagining what some of that music would look like put to movement. I was choreographing in my mind. Something I used to do, but haven't for a while. Too long. I was allowing myself to surrender to the music, and be enlightened - without resistance or rationalization (which Heavenly Father seems to be getting from me - a lot lately. Too much.)

Finally, we ended up at a park. It was the furthest the doggies would allow me to walk them. I sat on the bench, still listening to music - amazed how beautiful the weather was for a late October day. The grass was so vividly green, and the sky so picturesque blue. The air so clear. I bowed my head to pray, while listening, to

Have you forgotten the Heaven lying at your feet? Learn to be still.

The tears flowed.

I felt Godly sorrow.

In a calm way...for a change

Instead of the anxious-angsty-almost-alarmingly-angry way...like I have for some time.

I walked to a swing, gently moving back-and-forth while sobbing, reflecting, missing, longing...and listening to the next song shuffle played into my ears

When you get the choice to sit it out or dance. I hope you dance.

Then, I swang higher and higher. The five o'clock sun's rays shining tangibly yellow in my eyes. And therein time suspended. Reality suspended. And I was shown a few things...

And I was reminded...

How it was [is] to feel a sense of light, airy, magic

How it was
To breathe
To feel

And later, while at the grocery store to pick up garbage bags so as to clean my horrendously messy, disgustingly chaotic room, I was listening to music - and caught moving to DANCE steps by others around me. Noticing, I smiled at them. And I echuckled aloud at their quizzical looks. And then twirld when the music told me twirl.

Yes, I was doing a little bit of choreography in the middle of the store.

Something that, at one point, was not all that unususal for me to do. But, has been so foreign to me for so long.

I so deeply wish that I had a pensive so as to translate both into words and pictures/shapes what I was creating in my head to

:

[Enter mp3 of "Learn to Be Still"]


So, in a brief suspension of time, swinging higher and higher toward that bright sunny ways that reached for me, I was reminded that this "reality" I've been living has merely been wormhole of numbness lately. I have been on autopilot. And here I have been wondering why I feel so lost. so empty. so blah. so not "really here". so practically dead. Hmm...

Quite frankly, it's because I have allowed so many aspects of what makes me "me", fall dormat to the brink of extinction. I have only felt like "me" around the brief, sproadic moments shared with the friend who knows me best. It's probably because it is around that person where/when I am reminded of who I really want to be, and what/who I truly love most...

And I have let too many of those loves go unattended to and unnutured, even ignored and/or nearly forgotten.

Why?

 I am not quite sure how to answer that question in sensical words...

But,

Where is the dance, the writing, the poetry, the creativity /the making of things, the dabbles at art, the taking pictures of pretty things, the playing with children, the laughing with and sharing with those dear to me, and the spirituality, which are the metaphorical and literal "music" in my life.

And I see that an instrument cannot play any music if she is left to collect dust, and thus tarnish from neglect.

And that is what I have, in many ways, done to myself.

I pray often to find the energy to do these things, particularly those of a spiritual/religious nature, only to have an inclination that goes fleetingly away.

"How do I do .... [fill in the blanks]?" It's a question I ask God constantly.

I ask, but I wonder if I ignore the answer because well, it will cause me

To Feel

To feel

What's really Real.

Would it be beautiful, or just a beautiful disaster?