To my long-lost grandma

  Happy 77th birthday today (January 20), Grandma!

The last time I ever saw you was January 1, 1995.

Less than an hour after momma's sapphire blue eyes went black, and she relinquished her last breath to God;

Playing around with my very first camera, courtesy of grandpa.

I remember your exact words, forlorn and desperate, and the tortured Jenga-esque expression on your pale face. 

You left on a red-eye back to New York that night faster than my brain could register exactly what had just transpired

That was 17 years and 19 days ago. 

---

I wonder about my grandma, the woman who birthed my beloved mother almost 57 years ago.

I wonder about her often; Is she happy? Is she healthy? Is she safe? Is she alive?

Has she finally found the love and acceptance, peace and security she's been longing for...for so long?

Or...

   Does she continue to sequester herself into a secret shell of solitude so as to protect herself from ever getting hurt again? Does she continue to isolate herself from others, all the while crying out in silently deafening pleads for someone to reach out and care, but too afraid to do so because she doesn't quite know how to reach out in return?

Grandma and grandpa, just four months before his death.

  Has she been living the life she hopes for - and deserves to - live, these last 17 years (even without grandpa and momma)?

Or...

  Does she still think that hiding herself away from me, in particular, is really what's best; that she's somehow doing me a favor by being absentee? Does she think that the reason I seek her out, once every few years, is because I want " something" instead of the actual reason - which is, that I genuinely care.

I wonder about my grandmother, the woman I haven't seen since my beloved mother passed away 17 years ago.

I wonder.

---

For so many years, I tried to see where you were coming from and why.

Grandma, a quiet, reserved woman, but she loved her moped.

I've tried to understand your stubbornness, your self-depreciation, your sense of loss, and    self-imposed isolation;

To understand why were always at odd, and butting heads when we had the same goal in taking 

care of momma.

And, I see it's that we were so much alike in that we couldn't bear letting of our anchor 

and our angel

Yet, that was so long ago, and all I can say is...

Happy 77th Birthday, Grandma!

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And I wonder, if grandma happens to see this, at random, if she'll think to leave a comment here on this blog
I wonder.
Or...
To email me directly.
Does she know that I would respond, without condition or prejudice or expectation?
Have, I, only the best of intentions - yes, indeed, I do.
I wonder if you know that, grandma - do you?
I wonder.